Falling Apart
by sleeping-dragon96
Summary: Lily Evans receives a letter that makes her heart shatter into tiny pieces. For the first time, Sirius Black is the only one who can comfort her.


Oh god it hurt.

It hurt more than when Lily Evans got splinched on her third attempt at disapperating. Having her foot on the other side of the Great Hall to the rest of her body hurt less than this, which Lily never thought was possible. It hurt even more than having her foot reattached to her body which she definitely never believed to be possible.

But it did, oh god it hurt her to her core.

It was passed midnight, Petunia's letter sitting on the coffee table in front of the fire place. Lily Evans sat on the rug with her back pressed against the couch. The photos which Petunia had kindly added into the envelope were spread around her. Photos of Petunia trying on her gorgeous, flowing wedding dress. A photo of Petunia's bridesmaids staring with awe at the beautiful bride, who was off to the side of the muggle photograph frozen forever in a twirl of white. Photos of Lily's mother looking so proud at her daughter who was choosing her flower arrangements. Photos of the ugly, soon to be Lily's brother-in-law, showing off Petunia's engagement ring to random party guests. Photos of where Petunia had decided to hold her wedding. Photo of what the bridesmaid dresses were going to be. Photos of every aspect of the wedding that Lily was missing.

Her mother was probably proud of Petunia, thinking that this was all simply Petunia's way of including her in the process.

Lily knew otherwise.

This was Petunia's way of rubbing in her face that she was not part of this wedding. That she was just any other guest who could only experience the journey through photos. That Lily was just an absolute no-one who no-one wanted around. A freak. Who would want a freak to be a part of their wedding? Who would want a freak to be included in choosing dresses and cakes and flower arrangements and gushing over rings and helping decide which church to hold the ceremony?

No one. No one would want Lily because if Lily's own sister didn't want her; who would?

Lily's hands were shaking; her anger and devastation filling her until she could feel nothing else. She wasn't wanted, not even by her own sister. She was alone. It didn't help matters that earlier that day Lily had had an argument with her roommates. It didn't help matters that her so called friends, so called "marauders" didn't stick up for her either. No one wanted Lily.

Even Lily didn't want Lily.

Before she could stop herself, Lily was sobbing; head in her hands, rocking ever so slightly, heart wrenching sobs. It was all too much. Way too much.

What kind of person would rub this in? What kind of person would send photos to prove even further how unwanted they were? What kind of person would want to hurt another like this? Didn't people think? Didn't Lily's mother realise how this could affect Lily? It's not like she didn't know how Lily felt about being excluded from this wedding, she most definitely knew and yet she still approved of this horrid act. The letter said as much, with its finishing sentence being "mother agreed sending you these photos would be nice for you." Nice for her? How could they be nice?

"Lily?"

Lily's head spun to face the voice, her neck hurt from the speed of the action but nothing could hurt as much as the hole in the chest eating away at her.

Sirius Black was standing on the other side of the couch, leaning over to look down at her. From his shocked expression, Lily was certain that she looked like a mess. Her makeup was probably smudged, her eyes probably red from crying so hard and so much, plus she didn't want to think about the fact she was just a downright ugly crier. She was also in her muggle Batman pyjamas, which had long past outgrown her.

"Are you okay?" It was a stupid question and from the way Sirius flinched, he realised it was one of the dumbest questions he had ever asked. Clearly she wasn't okay; she looked like a madman who was still sobbing even while looking at Sirius.

Lily couldn't do anything but shake her head. Returning back to her prior position, Lily continued to sob. She was expecting him to leave, to keep heading towards the kitchens or wherever it was Sirius had been heading. Instead, she heard him move around the couch to kneel beside her. Turning her head ever so slightly, Lily peaked to see Sirius picking up several photos. He frowned for a moment, obviously trying to figure out how wedding preparation photos lead to Lily crying her heart out.

Pulling the letter towards him, Lily couldn't bear to watch anymore, Sirius quickly scanned over it. Within seconds he understood. Sentences such as 'sorry that there was a no freak policy on the wedding party' and 'enjoy looking at photos of me with mum doing important things without you' made the whole situation easier to understand.

"Oh."

Lily muffled a scream into her hands. It hurt. Oh god it hurt. The hole in her chest was making it hard to breathe. Her shaking hands had turned into shaking body. Oh god, how could she stop making it hurt so God damn much?

Sirius disappeared, leaving Lily to sob for several more minutes until eventually there were no tears left.

"Here," Sirius was back and handing Lily a bottle of muggle vodka. Without hesitation, Lily twisted the cap and guzzled back some of it. It burnt her throat and made her want to gag but it helped. In that moment Lily could understand why Severus Snape's father was an alcoholic. Once she returned the bottle however, the pain was back and the alcoholism idea vanished.

Sirius took a swig as well, not wiping the rim like Lily usually did when sharing bottles.

"My family hates me too," he positioned himself so his left side was pressed up against Lily's right. "They send me letters to constantly remind me how I am devastation to the Black name and how I should start praying now to repent my sins."

Lily rubbed her eyes, "how are you a sinner?"

Sirius shrugged, handing the bottle back to Lily. "Who knows? Blood traitor, friends with a werewolf, sexual interactions out of wedlock, not interested in incest relationships; honestly with my family the list in never ending to what is wrong with me."

"My sister once said I was going to Hell because I was a witch, it's against the bible to be into witchcraft or something ridiculous like that."

Sirius scoffed, "and what – walking on water and turning water to wine isn't magical?"

Silence fell between the two and they continued to pass the bottle between them, their chugs turning into small sips as the time passed. Lily picked up a photo, staring at her beautiful sister. Sighing, she once again threw it down; not wanting to look at it anymore.

"She wanted to come to Hogwarts but she's just a muggle. When she wasn't allowed to join me at Hogwarts, she decided it must mean I was the freak. We haven't gotten along since." Lily took one last final sip before screwing the cap back on; not letting Sirius continue to drink either. They had had a fair amount of shots worth between the two of them. While Lily was happy to have a crying, deep and meaningful conversation; she would prefer not to have to clean sick up in the morning.

Sirius cautiously wrapped an arm around Lily, not entirely sure how she would feel about it. To both their surprise, she leant into him. While they shared mutual friends and their groups overlapped almost completely; they two of them had never been close. They would share jokes, they would prank one another and they would help with homework when needed but that was as far as it went. Never before had they searched for comfort in one another. Never before had Lily found herself seeking comfort in anyone before. Well, excluding Severus but since the whole by-the-lake incident, Severus barely ever counted.

"I – it – I," Lily didn't know how to phrase it. She just wanted to tell someone how she was feeling, otherwise she felt like she might as well jump off the Astronomy Tower. "It hurts, normally but this is something else, you know? First, there was that huge argument about how all the girls weren't telling me about that Ravenclaw party. I know I wasn't invited but jeez, they could have told me so I could be prepared when a third year asked if I was going. Then everyone took their side and I just felt so isolated. Then this fucking letter arrived. It kind of just reinforced the idea that no one wanted me around."

Sirius tucked Lily's head under his chin, wrapping both arms around her. "I'm sorry."

"It just hurts."

"Like a bus has just ran through your chest and you'll never be able to repair yourself to the way you were?"

Lily nodded, gripping onto his shirt as holding on tight would make the pain vanish.

"No one meant –" Sirius could tell that excuse wasn't going to work. Maybe it was because last time someone said 'no one had meant to hurt you, Lily' had ended up thrown across the room. Poor Peter had to go to the hospital wing to make sure he didn't have a concussion. "We all handled it horribly. We are sorry, we stressed and didn't know what to do and we messed up. We do all care for you Lily, you are our friend and we love you so much; even if we don't know how to show it."

Lily was trying not to cry again.

"Your sister is just a bitch. I know it's family so all you want is her love, even more so than anyone else's and I say this understanding how much the reality hurts, but I don't think she ever will behave the way you want her to. Deep, deep, deep down I'm sure she loves you and maybe in twenty years she'll get over this jealousy and come running back. I don't know. What I do know, is that you are loved, you are cared for and we will slowly fix that hole back up in your chest because that's what friends do."

Somehow, through Lily's tears and Sirius' soothing words, the two of them fell asleep. When students came down to the common room the next morning, they all noticed how they gripped onto each other as if they were preventing the other from falling apart.


End file.
